


When You Were There For Me

by FrenchK



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:03:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10421709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrenchK/pseuds/FrenchK
Summary: Modern AUClarke struggles with the death of her father.She feels like she has no one to turn to, as she has pushed away her closest friends, including her boyfriend. She doesn't know why she did, she just did.Abby calls Bellamy to check on Clarke. Unable to tell Abby they ended things in the wake of her mourning. Bellamy and Clarke save face and put on an act, at least until after the funeral.





	1. The News

Clarke left the lights off, walking over to her bed, and crawling under the covers. She curled into a ball, hugging her legs to calm her hurt. She tried to choke back the tears because she knew once they started, she wouldn't be able to stop them. She was in such a bad place emotionally. She was vulnerable. She was hurt. She was weak. 

Why was it, that everytime her world seemed to crumble, it couldn't just happen in pieces. She could maybe handle that. It always seemed to come crashing down all at once.

The sobs came in waves. When they did, she would grab her head, holding her hands over her ears, hoping that this would silence her mind. Too bad it didn't work that way. You can't silence noise when there isn't any sound. 

Clarke would manage to gather her thoughts, enough to calm down, focusing on the pace of her heavy breathing to stable her mind. One, two. She would count as high as she could. But then she would feel that twitch at her heart and crumble to pieces all over again. Thirteen was her magic number. She never seemed to make it past that.

That night was a long one. Minutes seemed like hours, then hours like minutes. At 3:28 AM she was so sick of that red glow from the clock, she pushed it off her side table, hearing it crash apart on the floor. She couldn't understand how she could be so exhausted, yet never seem to be able to doze off. 

It was dark in her room. She sat up in her bed and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, they felt so heavy. Her mouth turned in a permanent frown. Her hair in knots from tossing and turning so much. 

She heard the apartment door open and close. It was a distant buzz in the back of her mind. Did she really hear it at all? She was so tired, she couldn't even figure out if her mind was playing tricks on her. 

This is how Bellamy found her. Sitting on the side of her bed, in shambles.

He dropped his bags where he was standing and rushed over to her, kneeling down in front of her, pushing her hair back so he could see her face. He steadied her head with his other. Her body felt so heavy, so tired. She looked at Bellamy with empty eyes. There was nothing left in them to give. A piece of her, left her body with every tear she shed, leaving her motionless and empty. It took her a minute to register that Bellamy's mouth was moving.

"Clarke, are you okay?" "Please" "Say something" "What happened?" "Talk to me." "What's going on?" "Clarke" "Please, please say something" he was begging her. 

She tried to talk, but her throat was so dry. "Bellamy," her voice was coarse, cracking as she said his name, " m..my..d..da...dad." she managed to choke out, before collapsing into him. That was all she had to say. He knew. 

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her onto his lap and holding her head against his chest. He stroked her hair back as she continued to sob. Comforting her the only way he knew how. 

He did that until the tears turned into a few whimpers. They stayed in that position on the floor until she felt the defeat of her body finally giving into her exhaustion. 

Her heart hurt. But now it was for a different reason. 

Why was Bellamy here? He was also so good. She knew she didn't deserve him. She had broken his heart and yet here he was. He was always there for her when she needed him.

\--- 

When she awoke, she was greeted by a pounding headache. She was now in her bed. How long had she been asleep? It was still dark out so it must not have been that long. She glanced over at her clock before remembering that she had doomed it to the floor. Clarke reached for her phone. Dead. Reality sinking in. Just like her father. She choked back the lump growing in her throat.

She vaguely remembered Bellamy being there, was that a dream? Not a dream, she could hear his low voice in the living room talking to someone on the phone.The pain in her chest seemed to linger. 

She dragged her feet out of bed, placing them timidly on the floor. She tried standing, her knees buckling under her, sending her crashing to the floor. She was so weak. 

Bellamy must have heard the thud of her weight hitting the floor because he was immediately in her room, picking her up off the floor in one fluid motion. He sat her back on her bed, "Clarke, what are you doing? You need to get some rest." 

"Aspirin," she could barely speak, so she tried using as little words as possible. Bellamy darted into the bathroom, she could hear him rummaging around in the cabinet before emerging with two pills, placing them in her hand. She pointed to her water bottle on her desk, he passed it to her. There was no way she would be able to dry swallow these with her throat already this dry.

He laid her back in bed, tucking the blanket under her arms, then turning to walk out. She reached out and grabbed his hand, "Please stay." He squeezed her hand, hesitant, before motioning her to scoot over. He laid back, pulling her against his chest. She missed him. "Bellamy, I..I" she stumbled over her words. 

"Shhh. You don't have to say anything," he calmed her, tracing shapes onto her back, "we can talk in the morning, I won't leave, I promise."

She focused on the steady pace of his breathing. Counting. Fading. Sleeping.

\---

Clarke took a deep breathe in, lifting her head, a little dizzy. The sun barely glowing through the window. She was relieved that Bellamy had stayed. He didn't say anything when he felt her shift. He just stared at the wall straight ahead of him, probably wondering if she was going to start crying again. She was pretty sure she was run dry. She laid her head back on his chest, "Thank you, Bell, for staying."

"You shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself," his voice shook, "you should have called me, Clarke."

He was the first person she wanted to call. He was the one she wanted to run to, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Not after what she did to him. 

He had confessed his feelings to her and she had shut him down. She left him when he was most vulnerable. And for what? Fear of getting hurt again? Because that turned out so well. To focus on her art? She felt stupid. She had pushed him, she had pushed everyone away leaving her with no one at her darkest time.

Tears welled up in her eyes. She managed to keep finding these tears she thought she was through with. She sat up facing him "I wanted to, so bad, but I couldn't bring myself too, I was worried you wouldn't answer. I shouldn't have ended things, Bell. I.." 

Bellamy shut his eyes, cutting her off before she could say anything else, "Clarke. Don't."

She was right, he didn't want anything to do with her, she had ruined them for good.

He spoke again, softer this time, "I don't want you to make that decision while your in this state of mind. I'm going to be here for you through all of this, but as your friend."

She could respect that, she owed it to him. He was so calm headed, and that's what she needed right now. A little bit of calm. She nodded at him slowly. He was right.

"I'll run you a bath, it'll help you relax." He slid out of bed, heading for the bathroom, probably avoiding having to talk about this more.

She stared at the empty space he left next to her. Thinking very hard about what he said. She could do this, friends, really good friends. Friends who used to love each other.. still love each other? No. Just friends.  
She thought about the weeks they spent away from each other and that was much worse than trying to be friends.

After a few minutes he stepped out of the bathroom, picking Clarke up and carrying her to the tub. "I can walk you know," she protested. 

"Last time you tried to walk you collapsed," he argued back. "You need some food in your body. I'll go make you something while you relax." He sat her down on the edge of the tub. Kneeling down to make sure she was steady.

She reached up to touch his face, hesitating, then dropping her hand. That would be to much. She knew it as soon as she the saw the pained look on his face. Friends, she repeated to herself in her head. 

As soon as he was out, she stripped off her baggy tshirt, and shorts, shakily lowering herself into the tub. She grabbed her lavender bubble bath and poured some in. She leaned back, counting the wall tiles to keep her head clear. 

Bellamy peeked through the door, "oh, uh sorry" using his arm to cover his eyes. He had a wanana and what looked like a smoothie in his hands. 

"1..." Clarke felt silly. He had seen her naked plenty of times before, "it's not like you haven't seen me before, and also they're covered in bubbles. You can't see anything even if you tried."

He dropped his arm, passing her the banana, and the smoothie, plopping a straw into the cup, "in that case," he perched himself on the counter by the sink, "I need to ask you something."

Clarke raised an eyebrow at him, "okay?"

"Did you tell your mom we stopped seeing each other?"

There was that heart pain again, then panic, "no, I haven't yet. I was going to tell her after finals. I just finished my last project of the semester yesterday. We were on the phone when.." her voice trailed off. She didn't want to think about that right now, "hm, why?"

He pursed his lips together, "She called me to check on you last night, and she called me again just barely, worried because your phone is off."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to plug my phone in," Clarke realized their new dilemma, "what did she say?"

"She asked if we would spend a week with her. She said she needs help with the funeral planning and can't do it alone."

Clarke sunk lower into the tub, "You don't have to do that, Bellamy. You coming over here was already asking to much. I can go by myself and sort everything out, I will let her know that we ended it too, I'm sorry for putting you in this situation, I should've told her sooner."

"Clarke, I told you I would be here for you, and that extends to your mom." He let out a heavy sigh, "We can pretend we're still together until after everything's done with. Your mom doesn't need this on her plate too. She was pretty relieved that you had someone here to take care of you." The words were pained as they left his lips.

"I don't expect you to do this. I can come up with an excuse. Tell her you couldn't get work off or something." Clarke started to panic even more.

"I already called in and got the time off," he argued.

"Bellamy you really don't have to do that"

He cut her off again, "Clarke, please just let me help you, when will you figure out you don't have to do everything alone."

The words cut into her. The truth behind them chilling at her core. Bellamy was right. And her mom worried so much, if she knew her and Bellamy hadn't talked for weeks she would be embarressed for calling him in the first place, then worry about Clarke more, and she had enough to worry about as is. One week. How painful could it be?


	2. The Car Ride

They didn't waste their time. After she ate, Clarke was still weak, but she could at least walk. By the time she had gotten out of the bath it was only 9 am. Bellamy helped her pack a bag. Stopping promptly at his apartment to pack his. And they were on the road heading to Dr. Abby Griffin's. It was a 6 hour drive so they wanted a head start by leaving as early as they could.

Clarke was still pretty sleepy. Bellamy told her it was alright if she fell asleep but she still felt bad. He was up for as much of the night as she was, and she didn't want him to fall asleep at the wheel either. She fought the exhaustion as much as she could but it ended up winning. 

When she opened her eyes, the cityscape had disappeared. She recognized it though, they were only halfway there. She admired the open space, it always amazed her how in awe she was at it. She never realized how much she missed it until she came back. It had been so long since she had visited home, she couldn't help but feel guilty. You never seem to regret the time you spend away from loved ones until the opportunity is gone. She looked over and noticed her hand was resting on Bellamy's arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize," pulling her hand back. 

"It's okay," he said not taking his eyes off the road. The sun wasnt shining today, and Clarke could see how exhausted Bellamy was in the overcast light. The bags under his eyes were becoming more prominent.

More guilt. 

They continued to drive in silence. After an hour of that Clarke finally spoke up, "So, how have you been?"

He paused before he spoke, "Good, you?"

The small talk was killing her, she didn't want to talk about herself, "Good. Hows work going? Raven said you were promoted."

He almost looked surprised that Clarke had even heard about that, "I uh, yeah. It was kind of a lucky break for me. In charge of my own team now. It came at a good time, I had gotten a job offer up north, and was about to quit, but my supervisor told me to stick it out." 

"Thats great Bell, it really is," she couldn't help but feel relieved at his last comment, "I know how hard you work, you deserve this, you're a great leader."

He smiled at the compliment, "Thanks Clarke." That seemed to break the ice, "You were saying you finished your final project?"

"Yeah I did luckily. I spent the last two week at the studio getting it perfected. They're doing a showing for everyone's work in a couple weeks..," she trailed off, debated asking him to come but figured she would wait until they were out of the car. She didn't want to trap him into saying yes or have to ride in awkward silence from him saying no. They would be spending the next week together, she wanted it to be as painless as possible, "I'm not even sure if I'll make it. Just with everything going on" She added.

He nodded understanding. "I'd like to go see it if you do." She was surprised by his answer, "I mean, were still friends right? That's something that friends do?"

"Definitely. I was thinking of inviting the whole group," trying to downplay her excitement.

"That sounds great, we can uh," he stopped to correct himself, "you can send out a text after we get back. O and Raven said they haven't heard from you in awhile."

She nodded, ignoring his last comment, nobody had really heard from her in awhile, "Yeah I'll do that." 

She knew how distant she had been lately, she honestly just didn't think anyone had noticed. She didn't quite realize the extent of their concern. If Raven and O had said something to Bellamy, it must be bad.

The conversation seemed to end there. His phone buzzed, Clarke instinctively glanced down, "Gina" flashed across the screen. Her heart dropped. She should have known. Of course someone as kind, and smart, and handsome as Bellamy wouldn't stay on the market long. She wanted to cry. Turning towards the window to hide the hurt on her face.

They continued to ride in silence. The conversation didn't pick back up until they were just a few minutes from her house.

"How are we supposed to pretend we're still dating?" She hadn't even thought of that part their entire drive there.

"Clarke, we were together for almost a year," he swallowed, "it can't be that hard."

"My mom's not an idiot," Clarke was feeling discouraged, "she will know something is off."

Bellamy reached over and grabbed her hand, placing a kiss on her middle knuckle, "see, not so hard is it?"

She realized she had been holding her breathe. Breathing out sharply as his lips touched her hand. She missed the feeling of his hand on hers. His lips. "Yeah. not hard at all." She lied, her voice catching. Her heart wanted to burst. 

"We can just play it by ear. If it gets to be to much, on either of us. We can just say the word and draw some boundaries." 

His hand retreated onto his lap. His touch lingering. She sunk back into her seat wishing it would just envelop her. This was too much, way to much, but he wasn't saying anything so neither would she.


	3. Chapter 3

They pulled up to her childhood home. Clarke was raised in a small town just outside the city. Abby travelled a couple hours everyday to get to and from work, she liked working in the city, but not living there. 

Nothing had changed, well, almost nothing. Her heart pounded as she got out of Bellamy's Jeep. She was nervous. She hadn't seen her mom in so long, would she be mad?

Bellamy had grabbed both their bags, nudging Clarke forward as she stood at the front gate, "I just need a second." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breathe before moving to the front door. Her hand froze as she brought it up, it took all of her will to land the three small knocks. 

The door swung open, and before Clarke could move she was pulled into a big embrace by her mom. She could feel warm drops on her shoulder, "hey mom" she squeaked out, she was crying too. 

"I'm so glad you're here, I've missed you so much." Abby was holding onto her so tight. Only breaking free to motion Bellamy into their hug, "oh Bellamy, you are so good to my girl. Thank you for coming."

They stood on the porch in the embrace until Abby broke the hug, motioning them to come in the house. The house smelled clean, almost septic. What else could you expect from one of the top surgeons in her field. Everything was exactly how she remembered. 

"If you both want to go freshen up, Kane has offered to take us for supper tonight. He was a good friend of your father." Abby's eyes welled up again, "he will be here in an hour to pick us up so if you could be ready by then, we're going to Ark so dress a little fancier." She turned to walk away. No doubt retreating to her bedroom to let out some last tears before going out in public.

Clarke nodded, grabbing Bellamy's hand and leading him up the stairs. When they got to the top and out of view, she dropped it. Not wanting to make Bellamy uncomfortable. 

Her bedroom was at the end of the hall. One of two rooms on the upper floor. The other being an office turned studio for Clarke's use. She flicked on her light, awkwardly standing in the doorway as Bellamy took it in. She had never brought Bellamy home before, he had met her mom and dad when they had come to visit her. They just never made their way out here.

It was a decently sized room. Her bed was centered against the far wall, flanked by two side tables with a lamp on each. There was a desk in the corner with a few shelves lined with books above it. The main focus was her artwork lining the walls. Everything else in the room was just plain and simple. 

"I can sleep on the floor," Bellamy pointed to the base of the bed, as if the bed wasn't big enough for the two of them, dropping his bags down on the desk, setting his phone down beside it.

Clarke nodded. "If that's what you prefer," sad at his suggestion. She walked over to her closet to grab a spare pillow and blanket. Setting it down on the end of the bed.

Bellamy hopped in the shower, she rememebered he hadn't got to take one earlier. Clarke took advantage of his time in the bathroom, pulling out a form fitting black halter dress from her closet, it was an old dress, but she hadn't brought anything fancy. She held it up to her in the mirror. It would do. His phone vibrates on the desk. She glanced down instinctively. The phone read, Text from GINA. Clarke's stomach dropped again. Who is this Gina? She reached down to grab his phone.

She jumped when there was a knock at the door. Suddenly grateful she had gotten distracted. Friends don't snoop on other friends phones. 

Clarke opened it her door to Abby holding a suit up. It was one of her dad's, "I don't know if Bellamy brought anything fancy, but he looks like the same build as your father was. He doesn't have to wear it if he's not comfortable. I'm taking some clothes down to donate at the end of this week so anything he doesnt want will just be going to goodwill."

Abby tried her best to smile. Clarke couldn't even imagine how hard this was on her. "I'll ask him." She took the suit and laid it on the bed. Quickly turning back to her mom who was halfway down the hallway. She followed her, catching her before she starting down the stairs, grabbing onto her hands, squeezing them to comfort her, "mom whatever you need, okay? Don't be afraid to ask." 

Abby nodded. Hugging Clarke once more before leaving her to herself. Bellamy was just walking out of the bathroom when Clarke got back to her room. She forgot how muscular his body was. She stared at him, trying to gather her thoughts, remembering the suit. 

"My mom brought a suit up for you, it's one of my dads suits. It looks like it will fit. You don't have to wear it if you think that's weird." Clarke tried to figure out what he was thinking. Bellamy stared at the black suit laying on the bed, "it would mean alot to my mom if you wore it. She said something about them going to goodwill, but I think she's hoping you'll save the suits from there."

"I'll try it on," he reached down to touch the arm of the suit. 

Clarke grabbed her dress and retreated into the bathroom. She inspected herself in the mirror, trying her best to cover up the dark circles under her eyes. Settling when she couldn't cover them completely. She pulled her hair up into a twist, leaving a few curled strands down to soften the look. She pulled her dress on, slipping on her black pumps, and putting in her drop diamond earrings. It had been awhile since she dressed up this much. Then again, she hadn't gone anywhere like Ark for awhile either.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, Bellamy was leaning up against the wall by the door, suit on. He stood up straight when he saw her, loosening his black tie, his gaze wandering from her head to toes. She walked up to him, smoothing out his collar with shaky hands. "Well now, you look very handsome, from a friendly point of view."

"You look very nice yourself. I forgot how well you cleaned up," he joked, running his finger down her neck strap, "hard to know what you look like when you're not covered in paint." She shivered as his fingers grazed her skin. Smiling at his joke. She liked it better when they weren't afraid to talk.

He noticed, smiling back at her, "nice to see you smile, Clarke." They held each other's gaze, her hands still resting on his collar. 

The doorbell came at the perfect time, snapping them both back to reality. She dropped her hands, smoothing out her own dress across her stomach. Him, rustling his chocolate locks behind his head.

"Let the acting begin?" She questioned nervously, grabbing his hand and leading him down the stairs. 

Abby was sitting by the door, wearing a simple, silver dress, "oh Clarke, you look so beautiful darling." Tucking a loose strand of Clarke's hair behind her ear. She saw Bellamy, smiling at him like a proud mother, "bellamy dear, that suit fits you perfectly." Patting him on the shoulder.

Abby opened the door and welcomed Kane in, "Clarke, Bellamy, this is Marcus Kane, he was a good friend of your father."

Clarke rememebered him from parties her parents had when she was younger, he seemed a lot scarier when she was little.  
They each greeted him with a handshake and a friendly smile. 

Bellamy held Clarke close to his side, rubbing the upper part of her back that was exposed from her dress. She craved his touch, trying to calm herself down. Friends, she repeated in her head, just friends. If only he wasn't so damn good at acting

...

Kane opened the car door for Abby and Clarke, as they got in. Motioning Bellamy to his side of the car for him to get in.

The car ride was hell for Clarke. Something about small spaces just didn't bode well with her.

When they pulled up to Ark, she was flooded with memories. She remembered her parents taking her there as a child. She had acted so mature for her age, the manager didn't mind when she joined, even though kids were generally not aloud. She smiled at the memory, trying to cover her tears.

Bellamy grabbed her hand to comfort her. He was playing his part of the fake boyfriend pretty well. Either he is oblivious and just being a good friend, or he can see how crazy it's driving her and he's trying to get payback for breaking up with him. She shook off that thought. She was just overthinking it. He agreed to fake it for a week. He was keeping his word. That's all.

She couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy when he looked down at his phone and smiled. Was he texting Gina? She wondered. He promptly typed something, returning the phone to his pocket.

Kane asked for a table in the back. Clarke was thankful for that, she's sure her mom was too. Any confrontation about her dad would just make her uncomfortable tonight.

They ate dinner, Kane briefly asking Abby what he could do to help with the funeral. She leaned over quietly discussing some things with him. Other than that they had a good time talking and drinking. Kane made sure there was a steady bottle of wine. Abby and Clarke made sure to take advantage of that.

Bellamy would hold Clarke's hand when she rested it on the table or she would place her hand on his knee. They would look at each other, exchanging smiles every now and then. Her mom caught a couple of their exchanges, smiling at Clarke. 

Clarke was happy to see her mom laugh, she didn't expect to hear it so soon, but it was one of her favorite sounds so she didn't protest. Kane had told an absurd joke about blondes, causing Bellamy to bust his gut laughing, which in turn caused Clarke to lightly punch him on the shoulder. He pretended like it hurt him way worse than it did. Clutching at his arm in pain before winking at Abby when her Doctor instincts kicked in. 

This is what Clarke missed. She couldn't help but feel a void for where her father was. She missed the playful banter, and the lectures from her mom. She was happy her mom had good friends around like Kane to help her through. She was so worried she had to deal with this alone. 

Bellamy steadied her as they left Ark. Kane picked up the bill on the way out. Abby thanked him as he got her in the car. Like mother, like daughter, Clarke thought as she saw her drunken mother ushered to the car. She hadn't really noticed how similar they were. Or maybe just not drunk enough to want to realize them. 

Next thing she knew, she was sitting in the backseat in the middle, leaning against Bellamy's. All she could think about was his muscles from earlier, she reached her hand up squeezing at his bicep, "you're so strong, Bell, I want to be as strong as you." 

He shook his head, a smile creeping up on his face, grabbing her hand and holding it in her lap, "you will be, don't you worry. Now just try and sleep."

She managed to doze in and out of sleep. When they got home. Kane helped Abby off to bed. Bellamy just picked Clarke up, she could barely walk straight. Going up stairs was just a challenge she didn't want to face, and he probably didn't want to wait for it.

When they got to her room, Clarke kicked off her shoes in the middle of the floor, dropped her dress and crawled onto her bed not even bothering to get under the covers. The last thing she remembered was Bellamy pulling her t-shirt and pj shorts out of her bag and dressing her before tucking her under the the covers. "You're too good to me, Bellamy, even though you can be an ass sometimes." she whispered to him in a drunken stupor. 

"And you're drunk, Clarke, go to sleep."

"You're so bossy sometimes," she sassed him. Her voice tapering off as she sunk farther into her bed.


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke dreamt she was sinking, deeper and deeper into the ocean, face down, she could see her dad below her, and bellamy, then her mom, they all had their eyes closed. She was drowning, she was to paralyzed to swim. She couldn't save them. The darkness consuming her. She woke up to Bellamy shaking her. Her cheeks stained with tears. 

"Clarke! wake up! it's alright, it's just a dream." He pushed her hair away from her face, calming her, "you're okay. Just breathe."

She took a few deep breathes before she could feel her heart rate dropping. Bellamy turned to lay on the floor again, "Bellamy, do you think you can lay with me for a bit?" She was scared this would be considered "too much" but she decided to ask anyways, "you don't have to stay on the bed if you don't want, just until I fall asleep." 

"Yeah, sure" he crawled into bed on the other side, laying on his back, pulling her to lay on his chest like he did the night before. He ran his fingers through her hair. She always loved when he did that. It didn't take long before she was asleep. She didn't dream again that night.

\---

When she awoke, Bellamy was not on the bed with her. She knew he wouldn't stay with her. He only came up because she asked and not because he wanted too. She leaned over, he wasn't on the floor either. Confusion setting in.

She dragged herself out of bed, rubbing the growing pain on her temples. She did not want to make a habit of waking up with these pounding headaches.

As she walked down the stairs she could hear talking in the kitchen. Then laughter. Rounding the corner she could see her mom was sitting at the island, looking just as hellish as Clarke, and Bellamy on the other side pouring her a cup of coffee. He grabbed another mug from the cupboard when he saw Clarke. 

"Good Morning Princess," he pushed a cup of coffee towards her.

"Just morning," she croaked out, grabbing the cup with both hands, "it's not exactly a good one." She breathed in the sweet scent.

Abby and Bellamy exchanged a look, Bellamy leaving them alone to talk, "Clarke darling," her mother started, "the funeral director is coming over today to discuss plans. If you and Bellamy could be there for that. You're much more creative than I am so if you could pick the flowers and help me decide on a casket. The funeral will be the day after tomorrow, so you'll have a day to relax before.."

She realized that she needed to be strong for her mom, handing her a tissue when she noticed tears building up in the eyes. "We will be there, mom."

Clarke took another sip of coffee. Bellamy made it, no one else could make coffee this good. She savored every sip.

"So, I know I tell you this a lot, but Bellamy's a pretty great guy," her mom added, "and he makes good coffee."

Clarke nodded, smiling, "he is isn't he?"

"You can tell you guys love each other, honey." Abby spoke quietly, "I remember those looks all to well." She was staring at their family picture on the wall. Their grins reaching from ear to ear because Jake had started to tickle them both just as the camera went off. True genuine smiles.

"Thanks mom," she stared into her coffee cup. Trying to hide the hurt she was feeling.  
They sat in silence, but that was okay. They both had alot on their minds. When she was done, Clarke put her cup in the sink, giving her mom a kiss on the cheek as she passed. And she was up the stairs to get ready for the day.

...

Clarke paused outside the door, Bellamy was talking to someone on his phone. She shouldn't be eavesdropping. But she couldn't help it. 

"Yeah that sounds perfect," she could hear the excitement in his voice, "we can meet up when I'm back for the week. Yeah, that sounds good. See you then. Bye."

She back tracked to the stairs, taking heavier than normal steps. Knocking on her own door, just in case he wasn't decent. "You can come in," 

She pushed the door open, "Were you talking to yourself?" She played it off like she was just teasing him, "I didn't think you'd go crazy after just one day with me."

"You drove me crazy after just a few hours. Don't give yourself to much credit," he joked, "I was just on the phone." He held it up, wiggling it in his hand.

She didn't want to pry any more than that. So she dropped it. She did not enjoy being jealous. It was not something she dealt with very often.

...

They both got ready and headed downstairs. Abby was sitting on the couch doing a crossword puzzle, when she saw them, "Would you two mind running down to the store and picking up some groceries?" Abby asked, "I completely forgot about it yesterday before you got here. Jake usually did the grocery shopping so it completely slipped my mind."

"Yeah we can run out now," Clarke said, "will that be enough time before the funeral director gets here?"

"Yes, thank you dear, he won't be here for a couple hours, just charge the groceries to my account," she turned back to her crossword puzzle.

\---

Clarke decided to show Bellamy around her hometown. They drove past her highschool, pointing to where she had her first kiss under the bleachers with a boy named Wells. They drove past her favorite park where she first found out her love of art. She explained how in the spring the flowers bloomed a million different colors and it was her favorite to try and paint. 

They finally pulled up to the little grocery store. Bellamy rolled out a cart, as they walked down each aisle. Picking out foods they thought looked good, and that Abby would maybe enjoy too. 

Bellamy and Clarke had stopped at the milk, arguing over which percentage to get when she heard her name, "Clarke Griffin?" She turned around. 

"Wells Jaha" She grinned, reaching out to give him a hug. He pulled her into a big teddy bear embrace. He had grown alot since high school.

"I'm so sorry about your dad Clarke. If you need anything just let me know. My dad and I are here if you need us. Even if you just need to talk."

Wells knew all to well what it was like to lose a parent. He had lost his mom to cancer a couple years back.

Bellamy shifted awkwardly behind her. She pulled away retreating back to Bellamys side, wrapping her arm around his back, "This is my uh. boyfriend, Bellamy Blake." She was caught off guard. Were they fake dating to other people too or just to her mom?

Wells held his hand out to shake Bellamys hand, "you're a lucky man Bellamy, this one's a keeper." Pausing to smile at Clarke again, "We should all go for drinks before you go. To catch up, see if you can still hold yourself as good as you used too."

She blushed, then nodded, exchanging numbers with him before he departed. Clarke couldn't help but feel like Bellamy was annoyed. Not that her goal was to make him jealous, but she couldn't argue that it made her feel good. Bellamy jealous over other guys. With all his texts and calls to Gina she felt like she deserved to talk to other people too, even if it was just Wells. If he could why couldn't she.

They finished aisle walking, pleased with their haul. They picked up a lot of snack food, nobody was really feeling like eating a heavy meal. Bellamy had suggested that Clarke and him cook at least one meal for Abby before they go, so they picked up ingredients for that as well. They passed Wells one more time, waving goodbye to him on the way out.

Bellamy prodded as they got into the car, "So, that was bleacher boy, huh?"

Clarke laughed at his nickname for him, "Yeah we go way back. We haven't talked much lately but we were close." She couldn't help but think of her and Bellamy's situation.

"He seemed pretty friendly. I think he still likes you," she could sense some audacity in his words.

"Wells? No it's not like that," she felt the need to defend herself, he had no right getting mad about this, "kind of like you and me. We're friends."

He winced at her comment and she regretted saying it as soon as it came out. 

He was quiet the rest of the way home. Could she blame her behavior on grief?

They unloaded the groceries, Clarke pointing at the specific cupboard as Bellamy held up different cans and boxes. The funeral director was right on time, knocking just as Clarke was putting the milk in the fridge.

They joined her mom and the director in the front room, Clarke flipped through their book of flower arrangements, picking an arrangement of Gerber daisies. Her dad used to pick some up when he could sense one of them were having a bad day. Clarke glanced over to the kitchen, eyeing the milk glass jug, that he would always place them in. 

When it came time pick the casket, Bellamy suggested that Clarke paint something for the inside of the lid. Abby looked to Clarke to see if she would be up for it, so she agreed. 

The funeral director left after the final decisions were made. Clarke needed to get busy, she only had a day to figure out what she wanted to paint. 

Her mom retired to her room to rest, and Clarke darted to her art room upstairs. She really didn't want to face Bellamy after their previous conversation. Maybe he would just forget she said anything.

Her art room was clean, one of the perks of her not being home to use it. She remembered back to her high school days, paint splatters everywhere. They had repainted the walls sometime between now and her last visit.

Bellamy stood in the doorway watching her prepare her canvas, "I've never actually watched you paint before."

She glanced at him, looking into his curious eyes. He didnt seem mad anymore, maybe he decided to take it easy on her after she had to make all those arrangements. 

Whatever it was she was just glad he dropped it. She pointed to the futon in the corner of the room, "Then today is your lucky day." 

He seemed relieved that she was letting him stay. After an hour or so he had gotten up to admire her art hanging up around the room. His eyes seemed to drop as he came across one of Wells. Finally deciding on grabbing a book from the shelf and settling back in the corner. 

Clarke couldn't seem to find inspiration on what to paint. She would start something, then rip it down and start from scratch. The sun had gone down by now. Bellamy would glance up every now and then when she let out a frustrated scoff. He would only leave to fill up her coffee cup, or grab her a snack.

Abby would peek through the door to ask how it was going, and Clarke would lie, saying she almost had the outline done. After her 7th canvas was ripped apart on the floor, and she was on the verge of tears, Bellamy set his book down, "Clarke, come here."

She walked over to him, and before she knew it he had pulled her onto his lap. She cried. She wanted this painting to be perfect, this was the last thing she would be able to do for her dad and she didn't want to mess it up.

"Talk to me," he said quietly, rubbing her arm. Her head resting against his shoulder. 

She wiped a tear away, smearing paint on her face in the process, "I don't want to mess this up," her voice almost a whimper.

"What was important to him? If you do something like that, I'm sure he would have been proud of it, regardless of what you choose." Bellamy rested his head on the top of hers. 

She sat in the comfort of Bellamy's arms. The moon was shining brightly through the big windows. It was so late, she could feel her eyes drooping. Maybe she would just rest them for a minute. 

\---

She woke up, closing her eyes again. The idea had hit her while she was sleeping. Their family picture in the kitchen, she would recreate it in the painting. That way he would always have a part of them with him. 

Clarke attempted to move, she needed to go grab the picture for inspriation, but it was no use. Her body was so tangled in Bellamys, stretched out on this old futon, she was wondering how either of them hadn't woke up before this. His head was resting on her chest, arms wrapped around her, laying between her legs. Her one hand resting on his upper back, the other behind her head. This position should not have been as comfortable as it was, but it worked somehow. 

She couldn't hold back, she kissed the top of his head, running her fingers through his wild hair. Admiring the calmness of his sleeping face. Running her finger over his cheekbone.

Bellamy stirred at her touch. He lifted his head wiping some drool from his chin, smirking when he saw a spot on Clarke's shirt. 

"Thanks for that," she groaned as he pretended to wipe his face on her again. He looked up at her, their faces inches apart.   
Getting a little closer each second that they stared into each other's eyes. 

Right at the last second she panicked, his forehead resting against hers, "I figured out what I'm going to paint, all thanks to you." She could feel his hot breath on her lips. 

"Oh yeah?" His voice was deep and raspy. Still adjusting to the morning, slightly cocking his head from the left to the right, "how's that?" 

She was having a hard time controlling her thoughts. This was because of Wells. She knew it. He was torturing her. He was jealous.

"It's good" thinking about his body on hers. she completely forgot her train of thought, remembering he meant how he helped with the painting, "I mean, uh, I'm going to do a version of that family picture in the kitchen."

"I think that's a great idea," he tilted his head the other way, "Il go get it for you." He hopped off her, leaving her body exposed to the air. The cold weight bearing down on her. What was he playing at? She could play at this game too. 

...

He came back holding the picture and a cup of coffee. Taking a sip out of it before passing it to her. He was in a weird mood today.

He left her to it. He continued reading his book as Clarke rapidly started painting. If she was going to get it done in a day she would have to focus. Bellamy was smart enough to leave her to it, if he so much as touched her, she would lose that focus. 

Abby came up for a bit with a plate of sandwiches and her crossword, sitting on the futon with Bellamy. Both of them periodically glancing up, just to admire her work. The day came and gone. She glanced at the clock when she finally finished. 11:38 PM. Thankful she got it finished before midnight. Tomorrow was going to be a long day and she didn't need "being tired" on top of being emotional.

Clarke took it down to show her mom. Abby gasped when she saw the canvas. Tears filling up her eyes. "Oh Clarke," she brought her hand up to her quivering lip, "it is so beautiful, you're dad would have loved it." 

She let her mom inspect it more before setting it on the ground and bringing her into a hug. 

"I'm sorry mom, that I don't visit more," she apologized fighting her tears, "Im going to try to come more often. I promise."

Her mom nodded into her shoulder, "oh honey, I would love that. I've decided to cut back my hours to free up some time so I will make an effort to visit you in the city too."

That made Clarke's heart happy. Her mom and her had a rocky relationship the past few years. Starting when Clarke decided to pursue art instead of medicine. She seemed to have come to terms with it. The painting solidifying that bond.

When Clarke got upstairs, Bellamy was laying on the floor again, already passed out. He was definitely acting weird day. She tiptoed around him, his phone blinking beside him on silent. Text from GINA, lit up his screen. She rolled her eyes, laying in bed.

She woke up again that night, gasping for breathe from her drowning nightmare. Any hope of being rested for the funeral was a pipe dream. Bellamy once again heard her, and climbed into bed so she could lay on his chest. 

If she kept having this dream after she got home, she didn't know how she was going to deal with it. Because so far, the only remedy for her nightmares was Bellamy.


	5. Chapter 5

Her alarm went off right at 7 am. She didn't know what time it had started but it was pouring outside. Of course it was, she was screwed. Being a wreck was inevitable today.

Bellamy had stayed in her bed, they were both so tired. She had woken up exactly how they fell asleep. She breathed in his light, musky scent. Wrapping her arms around him for a second longer.

"We should probably get up," Bellamy groaned, wiping the tired from his eyes. 

"Just one more minute," Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, "I'm not ready for this day to start yet."

He let her, tracing shapes on her arm that was strung over him. She had a feeling she could get away with murder today and Bellamy wouldn't say a word.

The snooze alarm went off, 7:15 am. Bellamy slipped out of bed, leaving the room. Clarke didn't move. She didn't want to move, ever again. She did not want to go to the funeral. She did not want to stand in a line while crying people hugged her. She did not want to be standing in a room with her father's embalmed body next to her. She did not want stand outside in the pouring rain and watch them lower her father six feet under and throw dirt over him. She did not want to have to pretend to be strong for her mother because in reality, it was not going to happen. She did not want to cry in front a hundred people while she said her final goodbyes. She did not want to be weak.

By this point, her thoughts had crumpled her into a little ball. A weak, fragile, little ball. The blankets on her bed were like a cave around her. Protecting her, but leaving her in darkness. 

She felt the blanket slide off of her, then strong hands picking her up. Bellamy brought Clarke to her feet, wrapping his arms around her tight. 

She couldn't handle today. It was to much.

"Bellamy I can't go today, I can't," she sobbed, her tears staining his shirt.

"Then don't go," he muttered, stroking the back of her head, "if you're not ready, no one can force you to be ready."

He was being so understanding. He just held her while she cried, sitting her down on the bed when she calmed down. He held out a cup of coffee for her.

"You should go talk to your mom," he sat next to her rubbing her back, "she will understand if you're not ready for this."

Clarke nodded. Making the dark decent down the stairs. Abby was sitting at the dining room table, staring out the raindrop stained window. 

"Hi sweetie," Clarke could see the red rim around her mother's eyes. The dark circles that hung from them, "Bellamy made coffee."

Clarke held up her cup, taking a drink before she spoke, "Mom, I-"

Abby cut her off, "Clarke, I understand if you're not ready for this. If you want to stay home I will not be angry with you." Abby's eyes filled with tears, a drop hitting the table below her, "you have been so, so strong honey. And that painting you did. It is beautiful, Clarke. You have done so much for me already. I can give you the permission you're looking for if thats what you're asking."

"I have not been strong, Mom," Clarke broke down crying, "I've been so weak."

Abhy choked out a sob, standing to hug the only family she had left.

"Mom, I'm not strong." She repeated, shaking her head, "I want to be, but it's so hard."

"Oh Clarke," her mom cried, brushing Clarkes hair from her tear stricken face, "you are wonderful, and you are amazing. You're aloud to be weak, especially in times like this."

Clarke nodded, wiping away her tears. 

"If you decide you want to come, I had a dress picked out for you," Abby motioned to a plastic wrapped garment hanging by the door, "the car will be here at 8:30."

Clarke cleared her throat, "I'll come, mom."

Abby nodded, kissing Clarke's forehead. "Come with me," she led her to her bathroom.

Abby sat Clarke down on her vanity stool, grabbing her brush and combing Clarke's hair back. This was one of Clarke's favorite things as a child. Abby twisted Clarke's hair and pinning it in all the right places, forming a low bun at the base of her neck.

Clarke hugged her mom before leaving the room and grabbing the dress. She let out whatever tears she had left before entering her room again. Bellamy was in the bathroom, so she unwrapped the dress on her bed. It was beautiful, and entirely made of lace.

She changed into her black lace bra and panty set to match. Putting them on before stepping into the dress. She ran her fingers down her arm, admiring the lace design where her skin showed through. The bottom of the dress fell perfectly to the floor. Hugging her body to her knee, before flaring out. It was a bit excessive, but her dad always liked them to dress up when they went out so it was only fitting. She pulled at her sleeves so they were comfortably at her wrists, the neckline wide, stretching right below her collarbone. She felt like a princess. She turned around to see the back, it looked like there were a hundred small nubs, each with a small loop across it to do the dress up.

Bellamy came out of the bathroom, looking as handsome as ever wearing a jet black suit. The stark white shirt made a nice contrast, with his skinny black tie.

"Will you button me up?" Clarke motioned to her back, "there's a lot of them."

Bellamy walked behind her, and Clarke could feel his hands shaking as he did up each button, one by one. She held her breathe as his fingers grazed her back with each button. Shivering at his touch.

"Um, all done," he coughed, his voice dropping low.

"Thank you," she walked over to her jewelry box, grabbing some drop diamond earrings she had received for Christmas a couple years back. She stepped into the bathroom, quickly powdering her face, and applying a layer of waterproof mascara.

She could feel Bellamy's eyes on her, they hadn't left since he got out of the bathroom. "Clarke, you, uh," he stuttered over his words, "you look beautiful." 

"It's this dress," she blushed, "it's a little over the top isn't it?"

He grabbed her hand, raising it and kissing her knuckle, "No, you're beautiful."

She smiled, embracing him for a hug. He didn't let go first, he knew how much Clarke needed love today so he waited for her to let go.

When she did, she didn't notice she had been crying. Bellamy wiped her tear away with his thumb, stroking her cheek where it fell, "are you ready?"

"Yeah I guess," she fidgeted with her hands, unable to stand still, "let's go."

She put on her black almond toe pumps. Bellamy held out his arm for her as they made it down the stairs.

Abby was waiting at the bottom, wearing a high neckline dress, that was tight at her waist before draping beautifully to the floor, the neckline showing off her strong arms perfectly. "I knew that dress would be perfect on you," her mom smiled, rubbing Clarke's arm.

They waited in silence until the limo driver pulled up to the house, knocking on the door, holding up an umbrella, and passing Bellamy a second umbrella. Abby went first. While she was waiting Clarke slipped her painting into a large canvas bag, passing it to the driver as he came back.

Bellamy wrapped his arm around Clarke, pulling her under the umbrella, sheilding her from the elements as they walked to the car.

The drive seemed to drag on for ever, or maybe it was because Clarke wanted it to. She took deep breathes, trying to meditate. Panicking at the quick pace of her own breathing. She focused on the one beside her. 

One breathe. Two breathes. In. Out.

Stop. The car came to a halt outside of the community church. The hearse was already there. Bellamy went out first, helping both ladies out of the car, and ushering them inside the church.

The church was cold, the rain hadn't let up and the sun was not shining. Kane was already there, talking to the funeral director, and getting everything set up. 

"You all made it safe," he clasped his hands togethers, "the viewing will be in the back room. He pointed to a small room at the back of the church. Clarke could see the corner of the casket from where she was standing."

She clutched at her chest, closing her eyes. Be strong, she muttered in her head. She relaxed when she felt that familiar hand, resting on her back. She leaned into Bellamy, putting her head in the crook of his neck, taking deep breathes.

"You okay?" He whispered, rubbing her back.

"Yeah," she lied. 

Kane led Abby to the back room, Bellamy and Clarke following. The driver had brought the painting to the funeral director, and they had removed the canvas from the frame, and secured it to the inside of the casket top.

Abby wept silently as she entered the room before Clarke. Clarke froze. Unable to move her feet any farther as they bordered the doorway.

"Bellamy I can't," she started crying, "what if it doesn't look like him."

"It's just his body, Clarke," Bellamy cupped her face, "I'd like to think he's in a better place." 

She'd never really talked spirituality with Bellamy, but his words seemed to comfort her.

One. Two. Three.

Clarke worked up the courage in her head, crossing the threshold of the doorway.

Her father's face was so calm. But it just seemed off. An empty shell. The tears streaming down her face as she saw her mom stroking her father's cheek.

"People will be getting here shortly," Kane directed, "Clarke, you and your mom will stand here. Bellamy can you help with something?"

Bellamy looked to Clarke to see if it was alright for him to leave, she nodded. He followed Kane out of the room. 

Clarke and Abby stayed silent, holding onto each other's hands.

It wasn't long after people started trickling in. Clarke and Abby hugged and cried with familiar faces. Kane and Bellamy returned, taking a seat in two empty chairs along the wall. 

Most of the people Clarke had not seen in a long time. That is until Wells and Thelonious Jaha walked in, they seemed to be the last in line. Wells standing eagerly behind his father waiting to give Clarke her hug.

He finally just stepped around his dad, wrapping Clarke up in a big hug, "I'm so sorry Clarke, we're here for you and Abby," his voice sad, but genuine, "you look amazing, your dad would have definitely approved. You could've worn sweat pants and he would've too, but I always remember that look when his queen and princess were all fancied up."

She let out a weak laugh as he stepped back to take her in, Bellamy coughing behind him, as Clarke shot him a glare, "yeah, he never missed an opportunity to celebrate." 

"Please stay in here with family," Abby added, "they're closing the casket soon."

Wells and Thelonious switched spot, hugging the other Griffin before taking a seat with Kane and Bellamy. Abby's assistant Jackson had come too, so he was sitting by Kane. Clarke glanced over, Wells and Bellamy both looked stiff sitting next to one another. They definitely didn't seem to like each others company.

The funeral director closed the doors to the back room, asking everyone to close there eyes as Kane got up to say the traditional "prayer".

"In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again."

"May we meet again," Everyone repeated after him.

"We will give the Griffin's one last moment with their loved one before we close the casket. If you could all follow me," the funeral director motioned everyone out before closing the door. 

"I'll give you a minute, Clarke," Abby wiped a tear, stepping out of the room and calling for Bellamy. 

Clarke was alone.

She put her hand over her father's, wincing at the empty touch. Running her thumb over his wedding band. What was she supposed to do? Talk to him? He wasn't there. This was all so confusing for her. All she knew was that he wasn't coming back to comfort her this time.

"Dad?" She felt stupid, not knowing what she was doing, but hoping this would clear her mind, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not visiting you more. I was being selfish. Naive. I always thought I would have more time. You did so much for me and I was too busy to even say thank you." 

The words starting rolling out of her mouth, "I want to be independent, and strong, but I honestly just feel weak, all the time. You were the strongest person I knew, and I was too stupid to figure that out. Someone once told me that love was weakness so to cope with this darkness I pushed everyone away in my life that loved me, because I didn't want to be weak. Then when I finally figured out that was wrong, I felt like it was to late. And I didn't want anyone to see this side of me that struggled and made mistakes because I was made out to be this princess, to be perfect.. So I'm trying to be better, but there's something inside me that makes me feel like I don't deserve to be happy or feel love. I literally pushed everyone away. You. Mom. Bellamy. All my friends," She dropped her head in her hands, shaking her head, "I don't know what to do. I know that's not the way now but I just. I just don't know what to do. I know I can figure this out, you always told me I could. It will just be a little harder this time. So I just want you to know that I love you, dad. So much. And I appreciate all that you did for me."

The door opened, and Abby stepped back in. She had seen Clarke cry but this was different. It was raw, and ugly, and pure. Clarke wiped at her swollen eyes, latching onto her mom as she wrapped her arms around her, "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"For what, honey?" Her mom panicked at the change of Clarke's state, "you haven't done anything wrong."

"I haven't done anything right though either," Clarke cried.

"What do you mean?" Abby comforted Clarke, "you are my pride and joy. Your father's too. He loved you, so much darling. And he knew you loved him too. He was always so happy when you mailed home your finished paintings to put in storage. It was his favorite part of the month. It made him feel closer to you, even from so far away. It helped get him through the final stages. Don't ever for one minute think you were never loved. You are more loved than you know."

Thanks, Mom," Clarke looked over at her father, reaching over to hold his hand one last time. "Until we meet again." She kissed his forehead, leaving her mom to have her final moments. She caught the pained look on her mother's face as she turned to her husband, whispering his name.

Clarke opened the door, and Bellamy was right there on the other side. She went weak as he wrapped his arms around her, leading her to an empty spot on the first pew. 

They sat, and Clarke wasn't sure what to do, but she decided from now on, she was going trust her gut. She grabbed Bellamys hand, leaning her head on his shoulder. She was so exhausted already and there was still the funeral, the graveside service, and dinner to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to all you readers :) I appreciate all the support that has been shown! Lots of love for you all ❤️


	6. Chapter 6

Kane and Thelonious got up and said some touching words at the service. Then the church choir sang some beautiful songs, Clarke closed her eyes swaying. Her mind was heavy, emotional distress wiping whatever energy she had left.

What would her dad think of this funeral? she thought. He would be singing along with the choir. His voice so deep and loud it would boom over them, drowning out any voice but his own. He would've made faces at Kane and Theolonious as they got up to make their remarks. He would've tickled Clarke when she dozed off, to wake her up.

"Clarke," Bellamy whispered, shaking her conscious, dabbing at the tears falling from her eyes. He had apparently stuffed his pockets with tissue because he always seemed to have one handy when Abby or Clarke needed it.

She hadn't even realized she dozed off, or been crying, "yes?"

"I know how much you didn't want to be here" he whispered back, "I want you to know that you're amazing. And it doesn't seem like it right now but you will come out of this as a stronger person." 

He kissed her on her temple, and she leaned into him, holding onto his hand that was wrapped around her shoulder. 

She hoped he was right. Right now she honestly couldn't tell if that was true.

When the service ended, they got back into the limo, and made the painful drive to the cemetery. The long procession stretching as far as Clarke could see. She didn't notice how many people were actually here. Then again she didn't turn around to look when they were in the church.

The rain had not let up at all, so the cemetery service was miserable. Clarke and Abby sat on the chairs closest to the casket, umbrella's being held up by whoever was behind her. People crowded around, Kane saying the same prayer that was said earlier. 

This is where Abby lost it. In turn causing Clarke to lose it. She couldn't control the tears, she half blamed it on the weather. If it wasn't so damn gloomy out maybe it wouldn't be so depressing, or maybe that was just wishful thinking. Bellamy sat next to Clarke and had taken off his suit jacket, draping it over her shoulder when he felt her shiver. He put his arm around Clarke, and resting his hand on Abby's shoulder. Clarke turned to thank him and found his eyes were red rimmed as well. Apparently no one was safe.

They lowered the casket into the ground, and people started to dispurse. The background chatter slowly turned to the white noise of rain. Clarke's heart felt like it was getting crushed as she and Bellamy walked away from the cemetery plot. Abby following shortly after. They had each picked a daisy from the arrangement, placing a kiss on it, before dropping it onto the casket as their final goodbye.

\---

Clarke shivered as they got in the car, "is it time for bed yet?"

"Almost," her mom reminded her, letting out a sigh, "guests are coming over, for appetizers and drinks." 

Clarke nodded, "emphasis on drinks?"

"Yes dear, I think we deserve it today," Abby agreed, "you too Bellamy. Everyone has helped out so much. It's a bit of a thank you for support party."

He nodded in agreement. Resting his hand on Clarke's knee.

"Neither of you have to stick around for the whole party. Just visit some guests for awhile and you can sneak off to bed," Abby reached for their hands, her mom instincts kicking in, "maybe with all this done you'll actually get some sleep."

\---

The town was so trusting, part of why Abby loved it. She left the door open so people could just head over when they were ready. Kane had set up all the food trays and got the bartender situated, it was all ready by the time they got there.

The time for mourning was nigh, but it had taken a more positive turn to celebrate how Jake lived. More cheerful because Jake did live a very good life. People occasionally got up to tap on their glass to share a memory or toast. Bellamy was diligent in making sure Clarke had a drink in her hand, another thing she was greatful for. 

They got separated somehow at one point of the night. People were eager to talk to her, it had been so long since she had been home. Other people eager to meet Bellamy, the man good enough for Jake and Abby's princess.

Clarke glanced over at one point to see her elderly neighbor lady talking to Bellamy. He was listening to every word she said, then talking loud enough so she could hear when answered her questions. Her neighbor was loving it. 

Clarke leaned against the doorway, resting her head against the wood, admiring the man he had become. She remembered back when she had first met him, instant fighting. Octavia had been distraught over their rivalry. 

Clarke rememebered the time Octavia sat them both down, telling them they had to figure their shit out or she would lock them in her room until they worked it out. 

She remembered how they left Octavia's room, hating each other more than they had before, but for her sake they would be civil to each other.

Being civil to each other led to them actually being nice to each other. It was just fake at first, but as time went on there was more truth behind each compliment.

Clarke remembered the time their friends decided to play spin the bottle when everyone was completely wasted. It was a horrible idea, and everyone ended up kissing each other at least once. 

Their friends "Ooo'd" and "Aaahh'd" when the bottle landed on Bellamy then Clarke. Both of them gagging as their giggling friends closed them into the closet. They stood facing each other, hands awkwardly stuffed in their pockets, until Clarke decided she would just do it, lightly kissing him on his lips before walking out of the closet.

She remembers how awkward it was after that. She avoided Bellamy for a week. Octavia had noticed Clarke avoiding him and yelled at Bellamy, asking what he did. He cornered Clarke in the pantry asking what her problem was. Getting in her face when she wouldn't answer him. The tension between them was so high, she ended up kissing him again. Running to her room when he stood there in shock.

She remembers him not coming around for a few days. She felt so stupid. The next party they were at, she was so sick of him, she decided the best way to get over him would be to get under someone. He saw her flirting with someone else, and darted out of the room. Mad at his reaction she followed to confront him. When she reached the hallway, he had his mouth against hers faster than she could get any words out.

She remembered all the coffee dates, and make out sessions as they hid their relationship from their friends. Unknowing if it was even going to go anywhere.

She remembered the night their friends planned a camping trip. Bellamy woke her up in the middle of the night, making her climb up the steepest mountain. She remembered how awe struck she was when they reached a ledge overlooking a valley, and the clear sky above them. He laid a blanket down so they could gaze at the stars. 

She rememebered how everything in that moment seemed to be right. How special that night was. It was beautiful, romantic, and it was the night they had sex for the first time.

She remembered the confused looks, then cheers they got when they returned to camp in the morning. There was no hiding it anymore. They were inseparable after that. 

She remembered the night at his apartment, the fort they had made using his furniture and blankets. Eating popcorn and drinking juice boxes while they played every movie he owned. She could never forget the moment he held her face in his hands, looking into her eyes, and telling her he loved her. She kissed him, but was to afraid to say it back. 

She panicked, sneaking out of his apartment before he woke up that morning. Ignoring all his calls and texts that followed. He stopped calling after a couple weeks. 

Raven and Octavia had tried to talk to her but she just shut down. Something was triggered by his words. The hurt of past relationships, the fear if being broken again. She didn't know how to handle it.

She remembered the darkness that followed. The loneliness, the late nights in the studio where she just cried as she painted.

The night she finished her project, she finally came to terms with why she was scared. The reason was because with Bellamy, it was different. Different than any other relationship she had. Their relationship was natural, and easy. The reason she panicked was because she knew Bellamy was the one. She knew she was in love with him.

She left the studio that night, determined to get him back, but she was interupted by that dreadful call from her mom.

\--- 

Clarke made her way to her bedroom, wiping away a tear. This time she wasnt crying for her dad, she was crying for Bellamy. 

She needed to rest her mind for a minute. 

The way the moonlight shone through her window when she reached her room, she couldn't help but gaze outside. The rain had finally stopped, and the world just seemed so still. She cracked her window, breathing in the fresh scent, welcoming the cool air as it hit her face. 

"Clarke?" Bellamy said softly, leaning in the doorway, "you okay?"

"Hey," she wiped her tears trying to hide her face, "I'll be fine."

He saw the glisten on her face as she turned her head. He walked over, wrapping his strong arms around her. This was the last thing she needed right now, but she couldn't seem to push him away.

She wanted him, but she was to late. He had Gina now. One night wouldn't hurt her though. One night to pretend he was still hers.

Someone downstairs had cranked the music,  
Jazz playing throughout the house. Clarke remembered all the times her dad would sit doing his crossword puzzle in the living room, humming along to the music. It was his favorite pass time.The smooth, soft tune playing in the background. She let out a quiet laugh, "This was my dad's favorite song."

Bellamy held his hand out to her, "Would you like to dance?"

She sighed. What harm was one dance? She grabbed onto his hand as he twirled her around, pulling her close, both hands on her waist. She held her hands behind his neck, resting her head against his chest.

"I'm proud of you," he said, swaying with her to the music, "you were really strong today."

"It doesn't feel like it," she sighed, dropping her arms and stepping back. This was to much.

"Well you are." He brought both hands up to cup her face, "Just today I've seen you let so many people be there for you. You're accepting that you don't have to do this alone, Clarke. That makes you a stronger person."

She hadn't thought about it, but she was grateful for everyone that had been around today, for her and her mom, "Thanks Bell. I mean it. I'm really glad you came with me. And uhm. I'm glad we're working on being friends again." It hurt her to say that, but she was hoping if she said it enough times it would become true. She had seen a side of him today she had never seen before and that made it so much harder. 

"Clarke, I would do anything for you. I hope you know that." He grabbed her hands, placing them behind his neck again, then dropping his hands back to her waist, "I'm not done with you yet."

She leaned her head on his chest again, breathing in his masculine scent. Her heart fluttering with each passing second. The music came to an end, but they stayed there in each other's arms.

After a few minutes Clarke pulled back, "we should probably get some sleep, you know, it's been a long day."

Bellamy nodded, "Yeah, you're right. Do you need help with your buttons?"

Clarke remembered the trap of a dress she was in, "yes please."

He stepped behind her, undoing each loop. His warm fingers brushing her skin with each button. Sparks tingling throughout her body. He breathed out sharply as he got to the last button, he had been holding his breathe. She felt him run his fingers along the lace on her bra, his hands sliding her dress off her shoulders, gently caressing her arms and sides. Clarke closed her eyes rolling her head to the side. She wanted him to touch her. She didn't care if he had a girlfriend, they belonged together.

He dropped his hands, taking a step back. Clarke's heart hurt when she realized her thoughts. She couldn't be the other woman. She didn't want to be. If her and Bellamy were to be together, it wouldn't be going behind someone's back.

"Thank you," she rushed to the bathroom, locking the door behind her, clutching at her bathroom sink to keep herself stable. Three more days, she repeated to herself, three more days and this could be done. She caught herself frowning at the thought, but right in this second. It was to much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the funeral is over with, the story will take a more positive turn. Clarke is obviously going to have her moments but for the most part the story will be happier! :)
> 
> Confession time! When I started this fic, it was actually a continuation of another uncompleted fic I haven't posted yet. I lost motivation half way through, that's when I jumped to post breakup Bellamy and Clarke.
> 
> I loved writing the part where Clarke looked back at their relationship though, so at one point or another I may finish the prequel telling their story. 
> 
> Last thing! I had this written before last night's episode! So the irony had me laughing a little when he's asking Clarke to dance. 
> 
> Just rambling over here! Once again, thanks for reading! ❤️


	7. Chapter 7

Clarke laid in bed, tossing and turning. Dozing in and out of sleep. Although it was exhausting, she was happy she couldn't stay asleep long enough to dream. Because if she couldn't dream, she wouldn't wake up crying. 

If she didn't wake up crying, Bellamy wouldn't come to comfort her. 

If Bellamy didn't come to comfort her, she could keep her feelings pushed down.

If she could keep her feelings pushed down. She could maybe successfully be friends with him. 

She turned to check the time. 6 AM. She slid out of bed, tiptoeing around Bellamy, careful not to wake him.

She pulled her hair back into a ponytail, throwing on a sweatshirt and yoga pants, then grabbing her old running shoes from the closet. She use to go running all the time. It got a little harder to keep it up once she moved to the city. She missed it.

Clarke quietly shut the front door behind her, stretching her arms over her head before sprinting through the front gate. She loved the cool air on her face, the ground still damp from the downpour of yesterday. She breathed in the fresh, mossy air letting it fill her lungs. 

She ran down the old familiar trail she always ran back in high school. It was an escape for her, especially when she told her mom when she wasn't pursuing medicine. She let her feet take her where ever they wanted to go, letting her mind be free.

After awhile, Clarke found herself at the cemetery. She sat next to her dad's headstone next to the dirt mound, the grass still damp under her. She didn't know why talking into the air was comforting for her, but it was. She liked to imagine the kinds of things her dad would say. "Clarke, don't worry about what other people think." "If you feel its right in your heart, don't worry about your mind." "Just be you."

She smiled at the memories, he always seemed to know what to say to make her feel better. Before long she could feel her tiredness sinking in. Then slowly dozing off to sleep. 

\---

She dreamt of the water again. The drowning. Not being able to breathe. Not being able to save anyone. Panic sinking into her. This time the dream changed though, Bellamy was beside her, holding her hand, pulling her. His mouth was moving. Why could he talk underwater. 

"Clarke," Bellamy said her name, "Clarke, are you okay?"

She tilted her head confused, why was he asking that. She regained consciousness. The sun was high in the sky, a gentle breeze rustling the trees, "Bellamy?"

"Clarke, are you okay?" He repeated, picking her up off the ground and walking to his car, "your mom is worried sick."

"What's going on?" She was still half asleep.

"Clarke, it's almost three o'clock" he answered, sitting her in the passenger seat, "you've been missing all morning.You didn't tell anyone where you were going and you left your phone at home. Half the town is looking for you. Somebody said they checked here, I don't know how they couldn't see you."

She snapped out of her sleep, the cemetery fading out if view, realizing what just happened, "I'm- I'm Sorry." 

"Don't be sorry," Bellamy's voice not as panicked, "as long as you're okay."

"I should have told someone, everyone was just sleeping and I couldn't sleep," her voice quickening.

"You could've woken me up," Bellamy said, "I would've come with you, made sure you were safe."

"Bellamy, I don't need you to protect me all the time," she said, pushing down her feelings.

"I know that, I'm still here for you though," he breathed out heavily.

"I know, but you're not always going to be able to be," she said, thinking about Gina. 

"Clarke I'm here for you now, please just accept it," he sounded sad.

She was going to interject, then decided against it. Riding back to the house in silence.

They reached the house and Clarke jumped out. Abby running out to Clarke when she saw her, "Clarke, sweetie, are you okay?" Pulling her into a big hug.

"I'm sorry, mom, for worrying you" Clarke weakly smiled as Abby put both hands on her cheeks, "I fell asleep at the cemetery."

"Of course you did" Abby's voice cracked, "I just thought something happened to you."

Clarke could feel her heart hurting, she didn't realize how upset her mom was. She hugged her mom, apologizing again.

She looked over her mom's shoulder and found Wells walking out of her house, coming over to give her a hug, "I knew you wouldn't do anything rash."

Clarke pulled back, confused at the comment, "what do you mean?"

"Oh, its nothing," Wells answered, "are you up to hanging out tonight?"

Clarke looked to her mom, to see if she needed her it not. Abby looked a little rough

"Uhm, not tonight Wells," Clarke replied, "let's plan for tomorrow."

"Works for me," Wells gave her one last hig before taking off, "see you then." Patting Bellamy on the shoulder as he passed. Clarke could see Bellamy tense at the interaction.

She all if sudden felt pressure on her bladder at the mention of liquid. She hadn't been all day. She ran up to her bathroom, relieving herself. When she walked out of the bathroom, Bellamy was sitting on her bed, "Do you want to know what Wells was talking?"

Clarke would be lying if she said no, "Yeah, kind of. Do you know?"

"A few people came over to help look for you," Bellamy said, "they thought you did something to yourself."

"What?" Clarke was surprised, "why would I-"

"Because you're going through grief, Clarke," Bellamy interjected, "people get nervous."

"But I haven't.." she trailed off, thinking back to the way she had been acting lately. Isolation from friends and family, withdrawing from activities, not getting enough sleep, whenever people saw her she was excessively drinking, and the cherry on top being her father died.

"I would never kill myself," Clarke's chest hurt even just thinking about it, "I know I've been acting weird but I would never. I couldn't."

"Anyone that knows you, knows that," he comforted her, "it's just people talking. Always jumping to the worst case scenario."

She nodded. Thinking back to her father's words. Don't worry about what other people think. She had made a promise to her dad to be better. Now she needed to follow through. 

"Do you want to do supper for your mom tonight," Bellamy changed the subject, "I think we all need a good meal."

"Yeah let's do that," Clarke agreed, shaking off the previous subject, "if you want to get started I'll be right down, I need to do something first."

He nodded, grabbing his phone and heading downstairs. Clarke ran to check hers. There were 10 missed calls from her mom and Bellamy. Plus a million texts from other people.

She scrolled through seeing that Raven and Octavia made a group chat with her. She clicked on it.

O: Love you, Clarke! So sorry we couldn't be there for you. Bellamy said he would give you a hug for me!

R: Shots on me when you get back! We're here for you. Whatever you need, Clarke. Don't be afraid to ask.

She typed her reply:

C: I miss you guys. I'm sorry I've been so distant lately. I promise that's going to change. Girls night when I'm back?

They replied to her instantly:

O: Of course! Anything! I will bring the popcorn and licorice!

R: GNO, GNO! Ps. O, Only if it's the good kind we can pull apart.

Clarke sent a thumbs up, letting them fight out which licorice to bring.

She left her phone upstairs, going to join Bellamy in the kitchen. She couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Bellamy. He had found her mom's pink ruffle apron and was wearing it as he peeled potatoes at the sink.

"Should I call you Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart?" Clarke laughed, grabbing another apron from the drawer. 

He smiled, "it's nice to hear you laugh, Clarke."

She blushed, grabbing the ingredient for dessert. Bellamy agreed on cooking the dinner, if Clarke made dessert.

They cooked in silence for awhile, then Bellamy turned on his phone, music blaring throughout the kitchen.

Clarke bobbed her head to the beat, mouthing the words. She looked over at Bellamy just as he looked at her. He had been doing the same thing. They started laughing. Bellamy deciding that mouthing the lyrics wasn't enough. He started singing out loud, belting out the words, missing at least half of them.

What the hell, Clarke thought. She started singing with him. Once she started singing, it turned to dancing, and soon enough they were having their own dance party in the kitchen. 

They danced while they maneuvered around each other in the kitchen, cooking their parts. Bellamy was in and out of the house, checking the steaks on the barbeque. Clarke was in and out of cupboards grabbing pans and mixers. 

The music was so loud, Clarke didnt hear Bellamy come back in the house. She had a bowl full of flour, and was turning to dump it in the slow turning mixer. She bumped right into Bellamy, dropping the entire bowl to the floor, flour shooting up in all directions. A white cloud dusting the kitchen. 

They stood there shocked for a minute. Then both at once bent down to try and scoop as much flour back into the bowl, smacking their heads together. 

"Oh, ouch," Clarke held onto forehead, as Bellamy held onto his.

"Let me see," Bellamy put his floury fingers under Clarke's chin, turning her head to see the bump better, "yeah that wasn't very smart of us."

Clarke took deep breathes, pushing her feelings down. As far down as she could.

"I'm sorry," Clarke apologized, standing on her tippy toes, and putting her hand on his shoulder to balance herself. She inspected Bellamy, lightly running her fingers over the forming bump. He breathed out slowly, bringing his hands up to her arms, Clarke relaxing into him at his touch.

Bellamy reached up to move some hair out of Clarke's face, tucking it behind her ear, his thumb stroking her cheek. She closed her eyes, bringing her hand up and placing it on his, feeling his warm palm on her cheek. She could feel his gaze bearing into her. She opened her eyes to find his golden eyes staring into hers. She tilted her head up, as he leaned in.

"Something smells good," Abby called weakly from the next room, her footsteps getting closer. Bellamy's phone pinging at the exact same time.  
They stopped, pulling back, just as she rounded the corner. Flour coating half the kitchen.

"What happened in here?" Abby laughed, looking around, swiping her finger across the table, leaving a line where she did.

"We, uh ran into each other," Clarke bent down picking up the bowl.

Abby walked over to a tall cupbaord, pulling out a small vacuum, "I'll help clean up."

Bellamy and Clarke exchanged another glance before going back to their cooking. Clarke helped her mom clean up, then finished up the batter. Pouring it into cake pans and throwing it in the oven. Bellamy went and grabbed the steaks off the barbeque.

Abby set the table, opting to make a pitcher of lemonade instead of alcohol tonight, "I for one think I've had enough to drink for awhile."

"The feelings mutual," Clarke laughed. Bellamy raised his hand behind her, nodding in agreement as they all sat down to eat.

"So, what are you two up to for the summer?" Abby questioned, looking from one to the other, "it feels like forever since I've got to sit down and just talk to you both."

"Oh uhm," Clarke couldn't think of anything to say, "just same ole stuff we usually do."

"Working lots," Bellamy added, laughing, "summer isn't really different when you work the entire year.

"Anything special planned?" Abby asked, "I'm just trying to figure out a good weekend to come visit, I want to make sure you're both free."

"Oh, thanks Mom," Clarke shot Bellamy a nervous glance, "we will get back to you when we figure one out."

"Okay sweetie, whatever works. I will take the time off," Abby reached out placing a hand on Clarke and one on Bellamys, "and I just want you both to know how greatful I am. For spending this week with me. I couldn't have gotten through it without you."

"Anytime, Abby," Bellamy spoke before Clarke could. Clarke could feel that lump building in her throat again. 

"I'll grab dessert," she got up from the table, focusing her energy in icing the cake. She wasn't sure how her mom would react when she tells her that her and Bellamy ended things.

"Plus," Abby added, "you can make a good steak, Bellamy. Thank you both for dinner."

Clarke cut three piece out if the cake for each of them, "well it's not done yet, mom. I made your favorite."

"Oh you spoil me, dear" Abby smiled.

"I'm sure Clarke didn't protest to much," Bellamy smiled at her, "it's her favorite too."

"You remembered?" Clarke smiled at him, "unfortunately I didn't have time to make your favorite. We can do that next time."

"What's my favorite?" He tested her.

"Vanilla, with strawberry icing," she answered, "like I could forget." Remembering the time at the small cafe, when they fought over which was better.

"Well, warn me before you start baking again so I can prepare myself for the flour tornado," Abby joked, gathering their empty plates and loading them in the dishwasher. She gave Clarke and Bellamy one last hug, before departing to her bedroom.

Bellamy and Clarke cleaned the rest of the kitchen, making sure not to run into each other again. When they finished, Bellamy turned to her, "Clarke?"

"Yeah, Bellamy?" She turned, 

"I'm, uh, sorry for earlier," he answered.

"It's whatever," Clarke swallowed, choking back her disappointment, "just a moment of weakness."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience!!
> 
> I currently have 2 fics going and I was trying to be optimistic and post one everyday. But that burned me out pretty quick.
> 
> Between this one, and my other fic, I've been making the chapters in this one longer. So I'm going to try posting twice a week instead of every other day. :) 
> 
> Once again, thank you! I love all you readers! :)

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been a creative outlet to express my bad days. Something that I started when I was in a pretty bad place.
> 
> I feel very connected to Clarke in the way that I know what it's like to lose a father.
> 
> I understand this may not be the way everyone grieves, but I only know grief from my own personal experience. 
> 
> My significant other when this happened was horrible and mean, which made the situation so much worse. I'm so glad I had good friends who were there for me to contrast him.
> 
> With this story, I'm trying to convey my feelings in Clarke as best as I can, and how I think she felt. But also how I wished certain people would have acted at the time.
> 
> If you ever have a bad day, or struggle with your own demons, know that you are not alone. 
> 
> If you need someone to talk to, all you have to do is reach out. ♥️ There are people who know how you feel. There are people who can be a light in your life when you feel like darkness is surrounding you. There are people who can help you get that light back in your soul.
> 
> RIP ♥️ G.E.C. 12/05/14


End file.
